29.

My birthday passed a few days ago. I was very indifferent about it, and for the last some years I had spent my birthday away from home, mostly being at work. This year was no different.

I feel older. I feel stupid.

There's a lot that my brain can't process or doesn't want to process anymore. The years have worn me out and seen me ill. And it's okay, I think, but this body needs a lot of rest & relaxation which I don't get. After all I am still pretty young. I shouldn't be having trouble walking, or sitting in a chair, or staying up late, but I do. It's okay, I tell myself; A few more years.

I feel older, but I don't feel grown up. I feel a bit accomplished now that my tiny efforts at doing things for myself have piled up, and I don't expect others to understand or share in my feeling. Ruining your sleep cycle and health to be working at the best brand design firm in Bangladesh, being recognized globally, is okay, because it is something I would have opted for anyway. Spending loads of hard earned cash on my band's music because the others in the band don't make enough or share the same drive to produce or spend the way I do, is okay. I think the bitterness is apparent when I write this. But the happiness that comes with a complete project or a complete song is insurmountable and indescribable. And it's all I have.

If I could be in a better place right now, I can't really fathom what that is. So, all in all, it's okay and it has been okay and it will be okay.

Love is a blur. A longing. A desire. And age has taught me that I'm not like the others, and I'm not the same anymore. I can't waste time on what's superficial, and when I do, I regret wasting time. Love can wait, because I'm doing just fine without you, love.

I talk less nowadays, but when I do get the chance, I seem to talk a lot. I laugh more than I used to and crack stupid jokes. And it's okay, because, I'm okay.