Orfred Crows

I was wrong.

I dreamed of my ex last night. She was heading out somewhere and our relationship was still shaky. I went behind her and hugged her like I loved her the most. She was unimpressed. She had tattoos on her arms and I came around to look at them, and she rolled her eyes or gave a frown. Whatever it was, she disapproved of me looking at the tattoos.

Even though I never want to meet her again, will never bother to know where she is, or how she is doing, I realize very well that I was a horrible partner. Seeing that look of disapproval after such a long time, albeit in my dreams, was enough to make me feel hollow. She was wrong to do what she did, and I was wrong to do what I did. And maybe she loved me a lot. But I know that in spite of all the damage I caused, I loved her like crazy. 

There will always be instances where I think I will miss her for who she was when we were together. I hope she's doing better. 

29.

My birthday passed a few days ago. I was very indifferent about it, and for the last some years I had spent my birthday away from home, mostly being at work. This year was no different.

I feel older. I feel stupid.

There's a lot that my brain can't process or doesn't want to process anymore. The years have worn me out and seen me ill. And it's okay, I think, but this body needs a lot of rest & relaxation which I don't get. After all I am still pretty young. I shouldn't be having trouble walking, or sitting in a chair, or staying up late, but I do. It's okay, I tell myself; A few more years.

I feel older, but I don't feel grown up. I feel a bit accomplished now that my tiny efforts at doing things for myself have piled up, and I don't expect others to understand or share in my feeling. Ruining your sleep cycle and health to be working at the best brand design firm in Bangladesh, being recognized globally, is okay, because it is something I would have opted for anyway. Spending loads of hard earned cash on my band's music because the others in the band don't make enough or share the same drive to produce or spend the way I do, is okay. I think the bitterness is apparent when I write this. But the happiness that comes with a complete project or a complete song is insurmountable and indescribable. And it's all I have.

If I could be in a better place right now, I can't really fathom what that is. So, all in all, it's okay and it has been okay and it will be okay.

Love is a blur. A longing. A desire. And age has taught me that I'm not like the others, and I'm not the same anymore. I can't waste time on what's superficial, and when I do, I regret wasting time. Love can wait, because I'm doing just fine without you, love.

I talk less nowadays, but when I do get the chance, I seem to talk a lot. I laugh more than I used to and crack stupid jokes. And it's okay, because, I'm okay.

"One another, we're all brothers"

At the very beginning, I remember Shafkat, Rushlan and I fooling around with the guitar and impromptu lyrics among our photography club members in university. We were childish, and very bad at what we did, but we managed to make people laugh, and on some days our friends would gather just to see us perform. This led to the idea that we could actually be a comedy band, and with a lack of equipment or experience from our end, we decided that maybe this was the way to go. We'd play our acoustics and sing to students in the university, and confirmed that the band's philosophy would be bigger than the band itself. That, maybe, this use-what-you-have approach to music could be passed down to other students as we grow older. Eventually, we made our first song, Picture Perfect, which made us realize that Orfred could actually be taken seriously. The response we got from that song is still apparent. Every once in a while someone will knock me and tell me that Picture Perfect made their day.

However, I think the problem with our use-what-you-have approach was that the approach is more welcomed than the music itself, and that's when complacency kicks in. Things started falling apart after about 3 years, and all three of the members were going through a transformation in our lives. Rushlan left the band, and let us know that he wanted to be more serious about his own music, and Shafkat was barely able to give time to the band, due to restrictions from home. We all had financial problems - none of us had money to book a practice pad most of the time, which is hard to believe when you consider the sort of people we were surrounded by. Most importantly, we were never ready to commit to the time that needs to be given for music to flourish.

By 2013, my life was in a clusterfuck of my own making. I had moved to Bashundhara, away from family. Since Shafkat lived there I would see him often. I borrowed his guitar, and when I found the time, I would work on songs for Orfred, and I somehow never gave up hope on us, but Rushlan's departure was very frustrating. During that period I wrote the song Revel On, and not being able to do much with the song, I recorded a demo at home and put it on the back-burner.

If there's one thing that makes Orfred who they are, it's the hangouts we have at tea stalls. And Shafkat and I would regularly meet up to have smokes and tea. I met up with Shafkat one evening and we really got to talking about a lot of things. I opened up to him about what was actually bugging me at the time, which was that after 3 years of trying to do music, having done shows, having recorded two singles, what was the point of it all if Orfred wasn't meant to work out? We had all grown, and our ideas had matured, our tastes in music had changed and we knew who we were, but we could never come together to produce anything significant... It all felt like a waste of time, and I was ready to quit.

If you have met Shafkat, you would know how eloquent he is when it comes to explaining things. And in a moment of magic, he reminded me that this was all we had, and if it wasn't for Orfred, none of us would have ever been the good friends we are now; that more than the music itself, the memories and ideas, and stories that will live on are more important. His words stuck with me, and one night, when I sat down again to write a song, I ended up writing midway, and to this day, I feel that it's the best song I've ever written. I recorded a demo, sent it to a few people, and that, too, I kept for later.

That was 2013.

Orfred has always had problems with line-up, and doing music was never as smooth as it is now. The original line-up is no more, and I have a great bunch of brothers who make up the band. You might end up running into us at a tea-stall somewhere with cigarettes and teacups in hands, talking about life and music. Yesterday, we finally recorded Midway. I had tears in my eyes when I sang it, and many of those memories we made came back to me. I am very much in touch with Rushlan and Shafkat, still. I believe they are still routing for Orfred.

Orfred - Eliza (youtube)