Let me break it down one by one.
1. Orfred.
Without a fixed goal in mind, I went headfirst into 2018 with the intent of reviving Orfred - a dead band, with a half-dozen, half-decent songs in the repertoire that piled up over the last eight years. It basically started at the end of 2017 with a goodbye note to the band members, stating that my time with them was swell, but I had to carry the project forward myself since we weren't being able to coordinate our timings. In the months that followed, several things occurred; Asif hopped back on board to help; I met our current guitarist, Pepe, thanks to a good friend of mine; I revamped our band-image; We hit the studio to record our first single off the album; I left my job and entered a two month transition period where I basically didn't have any money since I spent it all on recording; We mixed the new single with Rakat; We made two DIY music videos for the release of the single, thanks to amazing friends who pulled through for us at the last minute, all out of love; And we watched Orfred as it slowly rose out of its grave.
A few months later, Ayon joined us as the bassist, and we released another single, Crows.
Mission accomplished! But as dreamers do, we planned ahead for a whole album, and we managed to record the structures of 5 songs, and worked on a few new ones. Not to say that we hadn't gone through our slumps. Asif quit the band later on in the year after finishing his takes for the first five songs. However, as the year approached its end, we brought in another drummer and another guitarist, and we're set to finish the album in 2019.
I had only dreamed of recording an album with this band, and as possibilities dwindled, I lowered my expectations. I later decided that we would, instead, record a four-song EP. We did jack shit for years. Yet here I am with a whole new batch of boys, five songs into our debut record. Thus, 2018 was the year of Revival. The year of Orfred.
2. Fuck this shit, I'm out!
So everything sounds dandy as fuck so far, but Orfred is something I do on the side. My day job as graphic design god totally fucked me up. Apparently, I am not a god. I'm mortal. I thought I would die at my job in 2018, and despite this being a recurring feeling, during the year I lost count of how many times I fell ill.
A brief walk-through might help clear things up. Early 2018, I thought I had lost my balls. Then, I managed to get pharyngitis twice, all while coughing a lot and feeling really weak day in and day out. I caught every viral flu that made it's way into Dhaka. I found out I have high cholesterol. I, also, totally fucked up my back more than ever before. If all of that isn't enough, I kind of didn't go so easy on my lungs either.
Everything would have been fine if I could pass these up as misfortunes. I can't blame God, or fate, or luck, because it all happened thanks to the nature of my work - almost no weekends for months, smoking in a non-ventilated office space, working late, and not getting the proper amount of sleep I needed. Not once did I barge in to say, No, I can't do it. In fact, that's really not what I should have said if I had to say something. What I really should have said was, "fuck this shit! I ain't doin' this!" But we're creatives. Our livelihoods depend upon good work and late hours, and last minute revisions and most of all, surpassing expectations - both the expectations of oneself and that of others.
We worked our asses off and we all raised a toast to ourselves and stared and smiled at each other in appreciation, dabbling in our own sense of achievement in a bokeh filled room, where the only people in focus were us. These moments are always somehow cinematic. Hard work really does pay off. BUT THAT'S NOTHING NEW FOR US! We've always delivered! We own the playing field. However, I literally almost killed myself this time, and in December I started taking things a bit slow, because I could feel my body giving up on me. So I've been taking breaks, making use of my, so called, flexible office hours, only to find out, it's too late now. Yeah, I've been pretty sick the last couple weeks, and it's only gotten worse. I reduced smoking to 2-3 sticks a day, albeit it's not helping as much as I thought it would. Long story short, I need to find a good doctor.
3. Loss
Death is inevitable.
Akeeb lost his father to a terrible road accident. Toward the end of the year, in October, Anik Arefin died at the age of 27. He was such a bright soul. We weren't very close, but it never seemed that way when we met, since we always found something to talk of.
In November, my cousin, Tanjim, died. Even though I had witnessed death before, this was the first time I was shaken by it. It completely woke me up to the idea that there's no coming back from death, and that life is shorter than we all think it is. I was devastated. And two week after that, my Nana (Grandfather) passed away. I didn't go and bury Tanjim, but I did go to Nana's burial. At the zanaza when I caressed his forehead for the last time, I remembered all that he meant to me, and how distant I became as I grew older. He was in his nineties, and he had lived a long, and - hopefully - fulfilling life. He fathered 6 daughters and 2 sons, and lived to see all his grandchildren. Nana's was the first deceased body I touched, and it was the first time I carried someone to their grave. The burial was peaceful. God bless. Yet, it was another reminder of how we will all leave, only to be forgotten.
2018, was a year of loss. Since I am getting older, I presume the future will see to it that I am bereft many more times given that my time here is as long as I want it to be.
4. 2019.
I see other people traveling, making a name for themselves, settling abroad, getting married, having kids, or giving time to their friends. It dawned on me that I am not doing any of these things and that I probably haven't lived life to the fullest. FOMO is very real, and it deepens in your late twenties. There's also the feeling that maybe I am going about life in the wrong manner. That people will start looking down on me unless I learn to dress, eat, and spend like adults do. This thought kept reshuffling itself at different periods. Not to a point that it turned into a complex, because I would easily be diverted towards other thoughts when I had things to do. That's the problem! I am almost never sitting idle. I almost always have a lot of things to do - mostly office work, and if not that, then I have my personal, creative shenanigans. Coming back to my point, I never found the time or energy to take action regarding changing myself, which is actually an advantage.
After all these years, I now know that I am not an ordinary person. I have never been ordinary. The times I thought I was ordinary, I had been wrong. There really is so much going on in my mind and so much I wish to accomplish for my own gratification, that I can't afford to lose myself in "living life".
So 2019 shall be about loving myself more than I do already. It has to be about survival. I need to survive for as long as I can, because there's never a definite answer to the question, "what next?" There is so much I haven't done for myself, and not setting out to do them would hurt me more than my regrets about not "adulting" properly.
I won't list my resolutions for the year in this post, but I will say this; I want to live. I can't afford to fall sick and die, and if I can manage to keep myself alive, sober, and stable, I know there's a lot to look forward to this year.
2019 will, inshaAllah, be the beginning of things of to come.
